My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
