I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
