just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
