After last night, I could never be a politician.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
