oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
