I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
