My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize