She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
