Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
only you would photoshop your dick
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
