i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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