When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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