There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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