she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
