Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
