so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
