You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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