guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
