Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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