her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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