i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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