I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
