I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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