I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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