Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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