one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Never let your siblings swipe right.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
