you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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