Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
