I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
