So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
