I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
