dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
