guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
