just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
