is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
