there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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