I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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