How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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