What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When are your genitals available?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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