What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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