chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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