You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize