4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
