He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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