you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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