You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
