wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
