Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
