Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
