Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just invented taco cereal.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
