Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
