Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
