dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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