I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
