I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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