I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
