who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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