At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
