Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
