my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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