my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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