Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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